This is a post I have considered writing for about a month now but have umm’d and ahhh’d as to whether I was ready to talk about this or not.
In some ways I am not even sure exactly the message I want to get out.
You see when not long after I worked out I had been suffering from depression, I was offered a number of choices medically as to how I could get through it. In conjunction with seeing a psychologist, it was suggested that in terms of medication there were two options for what was troubling me; natural or pharmaceutical. Natural being St John’s Wort (as well as some B vitamins and a few other things) and pharmaceutical being an anti-depressant.
Despite me thinking I was pretty understanding of people with Depression, some part of me still viewed anti-depressants in a negative way. I don’t quite know what my problem with them was. I felt like I was better than that -that I was strong enough to be able to sort myself out naturally. I didn’t want the self-imposed stigma of taking a happy pill.
Despite being someone who had always struggled to remember to take vitamins regularly (it seems unless there’s a prescription involved, something in my brain switches off when it comes to remembering to take vitamins or supplements – even through pregnancy I was terrible at it.), I took the natural option and after a week or two of thinking I was feeling better, got very slack whilst at the same time, life got extremely complex and stressful. I battled along, on the verge of a total meltdown (arguably I did have one), until I finally had to admit it wasn’t working and I wasn’t coping at all.
I gave in to my internal shame around anti-depressants and just over a month ago filled the script. I was amazed that despite thinking I felt better within days, it would take 4-6 weeks for the full effect.
Surprisingly I didn’t feel any weird, spaced out, trippy sensations that I had imagined would result. I just deal with things so much better and am more balanced. I don’t make mountains out of molehills. I don’t overreact to people with good intentions that I used to find annoying, and the biggest thing I have noticed is my patience with Little T. I actually love (just about) every single minute I spend with him now.
I am not just coping and keeping my head above water - I am loving being a mum and being me.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I am glad I gave in and did what needed to happen. It doesn’t mean I am weak to have not been able to do it naturally.
Whilst not necessarily the answer for everyone who is not coping, I hope that my making this admission, I may help someone else take the action they possible have not been able to bring themselves to concede needs doing.
Image from here: