The past couple of weeks have been extra tough for me. I am in what my counselor calls a crisis situation.
I hit the absolute limits of what I could cope with before my mind said enough and it felt like I was drowning in a multitude of situations I couldn't handle.
But as a friend said to me “Rock bottom is good because you can only go up”.
I am conscious after this week what I write on here is now read by some who’d I’d rather it wasn’t. Putting my real name to something so personal is not always seen in a positive light.
I have finally had to take some serious steps to getting myself right – and by right I am not saying that who or how I am now is wrong, I am simply acknowledging that I have not coped with the amount of stuff going on in my life.
My house passed in at auction last weekend at an amount that is considerably less than what we paid for it about a year ago. It needs to be sold to financially separate from Mr T. I feel like a failure for having potentially lost so much money in such a short time (the stamp duty alone is huge!).
I made the mistake last year of thinking that buying a better home in a nicer area would improve my happiness. It didn’t. Keeping it on my own has just made things worse trying to pay the mortgage by myself.
Lesson learned the hard way. As mum said to me yesterday, things can always change, no matter how much you think positively they won’t. Buying a nicer house does not fix a marriage or make someone happy, especially when it involves taking on more debt.
The other stuff I won’t talk about here, but aspects of my personal and professional life have been unusually challenging and I reached a point of not being able to cope last week. It scared me. Enough to take action.
As well as upping the level of professional help I have been receiving, I have really tried to focus on the good stuff and do little things to improve moments in time. Breaking it down into chunks from day to day seems to help.
Here is what is helping me cope:
I have my physical health (mental health is something I am treating). Massive positive. Seeing others around me with serious health concerns and even a few people I know have had family members pass away way too young of late has reminded me that without your health you have nothing.
Remembering those less fortunate. Things can always be worse. I have a roof over my head, a good job, plenty of good food and a support network. You only have to open a newspaper or watch the news to see many who are far less fortunate. It’s so cliche, but when I remember this it really does put things back into perspective and inspire me to look after myself so that I can one day make more of a difference. Mum reminded me as I complained how little I would have left after selling me house for less than we paid for it, that at least I have no debt and many people end up in houses worth less than they owe (just look to what has happened overseas as a result of the GFC).
My son lights up my eyes and brings the biggest smile to my face. He is my inspiration, my motivation and the best thing I have ever done.
People care. To a degree I didn’t realize. I have had friends and people I barely know checking in on me regularly. Reaching out to offer support. Telling me they are only a phone call away any time of day or night. Telling me they have been there or understand or don’t but still care enough to want to help. Wow.
Sunshine is great medicine. I always struggle with my moods in winter. Just getting outside when it’s sunny or sitting on the couch as the sun streams through the glass lifts my spirits. I love driving along beach road here in Melbourne on a sunny winter’s day to lift my mood. This morning started badly after not much sleep. After dropping my son at day care part of me wanted to go home back to bed. I pushed myself to get to the supermarket – just that extra 10 minutes in the car with the sun streaming in worked wonders. I grabbed a coffee and my day kicked into gear.
Removing stressors helps. Being overly stressed and worried lately, I have looked to minimize or eradicate as many stressing things from my life. Like finding back up plans to my house not selling, deactivating my Muddled Up Mumma Facebook page temporarily, splitting up our dogs so I only have one to care for (the other is with Mr T) and ticking things off my to do list so they’re not hanging over me. I even contemplated deleting my blog completely, but just couldn’t bring myself to it.
Remembering what I enjoy. I’d forgotten just how much I loved to cook, read books, exercise, stroll by shops… I am getting back to making time for some of this. Cooking in particular – I’d gotten lazy, letting Mr T who is a qualified chef do most of the cooking during our marriage. I missed the relaxation that comes to me when pottering in the kitchen. Cutting back social media has afforded me the time to be back in the kitchen.
I nearly reinstated my Facebook Page today as I do miss it. I do miss chatting to everyone and I do miss the support it helps bring my way. By the time I post this, who knows I may have changed my mind. I am trying to focus spending my time on what is most important. Aside from family and friends, what that truly is, I am still defining.
This is a post I probably wrote selfishly to help me focus even more on what I need to do. What ever works I say.
Image above – can’t remember where it’s from – I’ve had it saved on my PC for months… sorry I can attribute.