This week has been a tough one for many reasons.
I hit rock bottom yesterday. Why is it things always seem worse when you are pre-menstrual too?
I wrote on my facebook page that in 24 hours, I felt “out of control, overwhelmed, emotional, alone, blessed, loved, stressed, hatred, exhausted and clucky”.
I truly did.
Someone made my life particularly difficult early on the week by doing something totally off the show. An act of hatred, disrespect and thoughtlessness that hurt others close to me and brought them into a situation that was totally misunderstood, something I will never forgive.
It came at a time, when after having been sick for several weeks, my mind and body were exhausted.
I also committed to putting my house up for auction within 7 weeks and all the necessary stress and effort that needs to go into presenting a home for sale.
Tuesday afternoon I said goodbye to Little T as he went to his Dad’s where he will be until Sunday night. For the first time, I missed him so badly it hurt.
I came home and out of habit went in to check on him as I prepared to go to bed. When I woke during the night, my ears listened for a cough or a whimper or the sound of soft toy being thrown from the cot. Then I remembered he wasn’t there. Each time I looked into his room my heart sank. I questioned what I had done in deciding this separation was the only way forward.
Yet with that questioning I thought as to whether I missed Mr T and the cold hard truth was I didn’t. I HAD done the right thing.
Sunday is Little T’s second birthday and unless you live under a rock, you’d also know it’s Mother’s Day.
This Friday Little T’s crèche is hosting a Mother’s Day afternoon for Mums and Grandparents. Each time I spoke to the staff last week they asked if I was coming along, so excited for the children. It broke my heart to say I wasn’t. Friday was his Dad’s day with him and I didn’t want to confuse him by turning up and not taking him with me when I left.
Sunday morning as I wake up alone it will be hard (hey I am crying as I type this, so Sunday morning I will be a wreck). I won’t be wishing my Little man happy birthday until late in the afternoon. I won’t have anyone bringing me breakfast in bed.
I won’t feel like I am a mum having Mother’s Day with her family, because I broke mine up.
Fortunately my mojo is coming back. I won’t let someone else tear me down. I am better than that. Little T deserves a Mumma who is determined to rise above this.
{image from here}
